Hello all!
In honor of this post of the Feminist Mermaid, I hope to explain an eternally confuddling question. "Why do women always go to the bathroom together?" It's joked about in movies, TV shows, and in real life by men and women alike. Common answers are "to gossip", "just because", "to check makeup", and so on. But here at the Feminist Mermaid, we don't believe in easy answers!
Now, I'm not one of "those" women who always asks a female to accompany me to the bathroom. I'm quite happy to go by myself. However, I have been involved in many a group-potty trip in my day. It all started when I was a kid. I'm the second of three children; I have an older brother and a younger sister. As is usual with young children, when my brother and I were small (and before my sister existed), we would go to the bathroom with our mom when in public spaces. Once my brother was old enough to go the bathroom alone (ie: not pee on himself, get lost, or forget to wipe), he did. This was when he was about five or six years old, I think. My sister and I, however, were never really "allowed" to go the bathroom by ourselves. Even when my sister reached the age of competence in the bathroom, we were always told to go with each other. it didn't matter where we were--The mall, a restaurant, a barbecue of a family friend. Our parents probably stopped asking us to go with each other when I was 16ish, but by that time, it was ingrained. "Do not go the bathroom alone".
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| Like this. Only, ya' know, with a bathroom (Source) |
So, what's all that about? Is this a common experience for sisters? Bet you can't guess the answer. It's "rape culture". Hear me out. The reason my parents always told us to go together was to avoid us being kidnapped. As I was the older sister, I was always told, "Keep an eye out" and to make sure nothing happened to my sister. I was told this as an eight year old. As a nine year old. As a ten year old. It was a rather common-sense thing my parents did. They were teaching us a useful skill--to watch out for each other, always.
Now how is this indicative of rape culture? I bet none of you blinked when I revealed my parents made my sister and I walk to the bathroom together. I also bet none of you found it strange my brother didn't merit a body guard. Yes, he was the only boy, but if one of we sisters was unavailable, our mom would usually go with the bathroom-seeker. It was okay for my brother to go to the bathroom alone, but not for us. Because someone might mess with us. Someone might try to lure us away with candy. Because bad things can happen in bathroom stalls. And, indeed, once upon a bathroom trip, when I was maybe 11, a strange man did indeed try to lure us outside. He promised puppies to sell. Since my parents had prepared me, I knew the deal. I gave him a dirty look, held a strong grasp on my seven-year-old sister's hand and tugged us into the safety of the women's room.
On another occasion, I was 16, in the library with my sister. This was when the message was already ingrained; "don't leave each other". A man in a yellow rain slicker began following us around the shelves, trying to pretend he wasn't. Whenever we moved to a new section, he followed. When we headed towards the exit, he sped up, to not lose us. We went back into the main area of the library and waited for a woman to walk out. As we shadowed her, our "shadow" fell back. Once in the parking lot, we sprinted to our mom's car. This anecdote doesn't involve a bathroom, true, but the skills we learned in our early lives from the bathroom trips strongly applied.
I was hanging out with my sister, and in a longer story about a friend of hers, she told me about a strange encounter she had at a party. She's at college, and she was having a party at her apartment. There was a girl she didn't know there who came up to her and said, "please, go to the bathroom with me." My sister escorted her to a bathroom where this girl revealed her "date" was actually a man bent on harassing her. She couldn't get him to leave her alone, and she didn't know anyone to ask for help. My sister left the bathroom and arranged a distraction for the "date" and then got the girl on her way home. The "date" never expected a thing, because girls always go to the bathroom together, right? Chick stuff, man. So obtuse.
Yes, women do gossip in the bathroom. We do touch up our hair and make up. We check our clothes in the mirror. But, I submit that's not what the whole thing is about. Women go the bathroom together, because when we are small, we are taught to be careful when we go the bathroom. "Safety in numbers". Because going to the bathroom isn't safe. Not even for little girls.
Take a moment: How messed up is that?
It can be a fun place to chat with friends, or it can be a refuge. It can be a place to plot an escape. If you've ever wondered, "why do we need feminism?" This is one of the answers. Because it's normal for us to teach our daughters to not go the bathroom alone. Because it's practical. Necessary, even. That's rape culture. As an eight year old, I was living life in a way to avoid getting kidnapped and assaulted. Because that's actually something that can happen in our country, and it's commonplace enough that we teach our daughters to live around it.
[Fun anecdote: today, I was leading a workshop to create a series of skits for the local elementary school about "stranger danger" in an informative, interesting, and non-threatening way, when one of the workshop-ees came to this same bathroom conclusion. We were talking about the do's of avoiding strangers, "Do always walk with a friend", and one of the young men yelled out, "Oh! That's why girls always go to the bathroom together!", while the others attendees confirmed, "especially in college." Can't make this stuff up.]
