Positive Fatherhood and Strong Daughters

When it comes to kids growing up, each parent has their own unique role to play. In the case of girls and fathers, the relationship can be complicated, messy, inspiring, helpful, or ultimately harmful. Never let it be said fathers are not necessary for the growth of strong daughters.
     There's an interesting trend--in children's (ie: Disney) movies especially--of daughters growing up with single fathers and dealing with the issues that arise.

Dealing with independence and power struggles (source)

Conflicting goals and miscommunication (source)

Going on adventures (source)

Sharing hobbies and interests (source)

     And so on, and so on. It's a trend with roots in the Victorian Era; the phenomenon is called the "absent mother" and is seen in most Victorian literature. Some people take issue with it, but I really don't mind it, especially in the modern day. Why? Because there's already so much the media does to divide the sexes; it's nice to have some positive reinforcement for strong father-daughter bonds.
     The next time you watch a commercial with both a man and a woman, see if the two fall into the following couple "archetypes":

• Smart, patient woman/stupid, bumbling man
• Clueless man/seductive woman
• Decorative sexy woman/cool guy
• Sexy "confident" woman/decorative sexy man

     Outside of commercials, movies are often advertised (and written) as a battle of the sexes. "Watch these two sexy super-spies go toe-to-toe!" "See if this smart, career-driven woman will give in to this adorable slacker!" "Will the creepy loner guy get the girl?!"

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     Of course, it's found in real life, too. "Boys night" "girl's night" "man cave" "woman talk". The eternal question, "can a man and a woman be just friends?" This is all fine and good for creating artificial tension, but when it comes to being a parent, these rules can't fly. At what point does a man learn to brush and braid hair? When is it 'okay' to watch a "girl" movie? In short, how does a dad bond with his daughter?
     I've seen it in many ways. The most harmful, in my humble opinion, is when the dad tries to turn his daughter into a boy. She'll have a name like "Jesse" or "Jo" or "Alex", and she'll be really into sports. She'll have an older sister, maybe, but no brothers. She spends her life desperate for her dad's approval and dates neglectful and demanding guys to fill her need for male attention. Why? Because this type of father never met her on her level. He made her feel like she was never good enough, that if she really wanted to be the ideal child, she'd be a boy. You see similar behavior in girls whose fathers left the family.
 

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     On the other, more positive, hand, we're starting to see a swing the other way in media. Commercials showing men and women acting as a team, commercials about fathers and daughters forming strong bonds-- lessons about the important role and responsibility fathers have. The stereotypical things fathers teach sons include "how to throw a ball", "how to tie a tie", and "how to drive". What dads teach their daughters is more mental, and ultimately, more impactful. "Self respect" "how to handle herself" "what a good man is". These lessons aren't so clearly defined as "come on, let me teach you how to throw." These lessons come piece by piece over time. They're taught in the small, easily-looked-over moments. They can be taught in almost any setting.

     In terms of a father-daughter relationship, I am lucky in that my relationship with my dad is and has been strong. A large part of my identity springs from my father. I love my long hair mostly because, when I was small, my dad cut it. It wasn't any big deal; he was better at cutting hair straight than my mom. He would always mention how lovely my long hair was and compliment me when I kept it brushed. One of my earliest memories is of being about three years old and my dad asking me if I wanted to have bangs or not when he was giving me a trim. I have strong self respect because my dad taught me to stand up for myself, that I was someone worth respecting. By watching how he treated my mom, I learned what to expect out a romantic partner. He told us a story about work when he came home one day. His coworkers had been having their accustomed "complain about my wife" time when one of them had mentioned that my father never joined in. "Why would I? She's my wife," he replied. Dad takes great pride in my mom's skills. "Your mom is so intelligent", "Your mom is hardworking", "Your mom is the best shot I know", "Your mom cooks the best food I've eaten." Dad is unrelenting when it comes to our success. When I was in high school, there were constant reinforcements and suggestions. "It's time to make your resumé. You'll need it when you're older." "You can earn an A in welding. Go talk to your teacher about practicing after school." I joined Cross Country partially because Dad had a rule; we had to be in at least one sport each year, "To show you're more than just a good student", and partially because I looked up to my dad, long-distance runner extraordinaire. Marathon-runner, 50-mile completer, two-time 100-mile contestant. When I was younger, he'd run 30 miles every Saturday morning. He'd be back in time for lunch, sweaty and happy. He still speaks fondly (and a tad ruefully) of the time he was using me to learn a martial arts technique. I wasn't hitting hard enough, so he said "really hit me". I got him in the spleen, causing a little damage and more than a year of twinges. Rather than angry, he was proud at how well the technique worked. In my family, my dad and I share our rounded heads, our left-handedness, our introversion, and our sternness in the face of chaos and noise. We are all a product of our upbringing, and mine was grand.

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Conclusion
Fathers are important in their daughter's lives. There are some lessons best taught by fathers, and some lessons require both a mother and a father to be complete. Some are active; some are passive. Father-daughter relationships are not just important to the daughter; they are one of the only male-female relationships a man can have that is not sexualized. It's a chance for a man to get to know a female, be a support system, encourage, teach, and enjoy the automatic love that accompanies family. In a world of rape, crimes against women, and rampant objectification of the female anatomy, it is a chance for a girl to be loved and supported unconditionally, just for being who she is. For women; if you have a good dad, take a moment to appreciate him. When you have kids, try to find a man who will be a good father--not just to your sons, but to your daughters. For men, as I'm sure fathers know, there is a lot of duty resting on your shoulders, but know that if you do it right, it will pay off.